Knight XV Fully Armored SUV
- US Mint Nickel Microchip Holder - $24.99
- SUV-Selfish Urban Vanity T-Shirt - $29.50
- Green Hornet Bumper Sticker - $5.00
Conquest purports to marry "ultra-luxurious" with "fully-armored" in its forthcoming handcrafted SUV, the Knight XV. Historically, this type of marriage has not ended well (see: the reigns of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette; Nicholas II of Russia; Saddam Hussein) but with production limited to 100 vehicles, and a $629,000 price tag, the repercussions are likely to affect only those upon whom you wish a fat wad of shitty luck anyway. I nominate Beyonce and Kim Kardashian as recipients of the first two Knights, with a promissory note to Ben Stiller if he even considers making another installment of Meet the Parents.
Ultra-luxurious means: 6-passenger seating on handmade Andrew Muirhead leather; Wilton Wool carpeting; personal side-mounted laptop stations in the back seats; Alpine radio, CD, DVD, navigation and BlueTooth systems; a dual screen rear console; 22.5" custom 6061 aluminum rims; stainless steel side-mounted running boards; and ballistic fiberglass bumpers and fenders.
Fully-armored means: front- and rear-mounted night vision cameras, with individual interior screens; Securilok anti-theft system; a bullet-proof body of steel, aluminum, composites, aramid, and ceramics; bullet-proof windows; a firewall between the engine and passenger compartment; and doors will infallible hinges (huh?)
Totally pimped out and juiced up add-ons include everything from a first-class aircraft sleeper and black box, to a cigar humidor and wet bar, to an external listening device, roof-mounted search spotlight, and EXTERNAL SMOKE-RELEASING SECURITY SYSTEM. As in, now you see it, now you don't, po-po. And somewhere in a dank prison cell, a fat and forlorn OJ Simpson laments, "Where were you 18 years ago, Knight XV?!"