2023 Holiday Gift Guide: Stocking Stuffers
If you're tired of the monotony (and irony) of filling your Christmas socks with tube socks, ankle socks, and even more Christmas socks, then these nifty and different stocking stuffers will be right
up your alley down your chimney.
Disclaimer: My stocking stuffers guide does contain some socks, but scroll on. I think you'll agree they deserve to make the list.
All stocking stuffers are priced as they were at printing on December 1, 2023. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
Funny Car & Truck Unused Buttons Stickers
Whenever another driver commits an egregious act on the road that almost kills me, or just really pisses me off, I always envision having a button on my car that shoots darts out from the undercarriage. Darts, of course, that will embed themselves in the offending driver's tires, possibly popping them, but at the very least creating leaks and resultant flats down the road, at which point me, my Mazda3, my dart firing system, and any chance of getting caught will be long gone.
And these stickers for the unused buttons on my console are going to bring me one step closer to having such a system. Now, instead of just imagining executing the "Fire darts!" command, I can actually reach out and push a button labeled, "Fire darts!" as I yell, "Fire darts!" ... And then resume acting out the rest of it in my head.
Magnetic Holding Hands Socks
I wanna hold your hand...and play footsies...and be dressed to shoot hoops or compete in a track & field event at any moment, all from the knee down. Can anyone help me with that? Oh. Why, hello, Magnetic Holding Hands Socks.
These tube socks up the coolness of wearing tube socks by a factor of at least 4 using no more than some extra tube sock material, magnets, and two delightful sets of cartoon eyeballs. Available in black or white, the socks are designed to hold hands with each other (which is surely not annoying at all if they lock palms when you're trying to walk) or with a lover / kiddo / BFF / stranger on a crowded bus also wearing a pair.
WD-40 Precision Pen for On-The-Go Lubrication
A WD-40 Precision Pen wouldn't be the first thing that came to mind if you asked me about on-the-go lubrication. Then again, the first thing that came to mind, the unparalleled 55-gallon barrel of lube, isn't exactly good for "on-the-go" needs. And when I really think about it, the number of unexpected times the average person would need a WD-40 Precision Pen on hand to oil a bike chain, quiet a squeaky door hinge or swivel chair, and loosen rusty parts is likely far greater than the number of unexpected times they'd need some lube for boinking.
Jumbo Star Wars Millennium Falcon Crayon
Who'd-a thought this piece of junk could clean up so well? The Jumbo Star Wars Millennium Falcon Crayon splashes every color of the rainbow - or at least every color in your standard box of Crayolas - over the dismal blue-gray of Han Solo's freighter.
Handmade by Bomb Pop Boutique, Jumbo Star Wars Millennium Falcon Crayons contain a mashup of broken and discarded crayons. Each is unique in its mix of colors, as well as the patterns this new (and much improved, IMO!) fusion of crayons forms.
TinyCircuits Thumby Miniature Game Console
And you can actually play games on the TinyCircuits Thumby miniature game console! I mean, presuming you remembered your glasses and have hands the size of a toddler's. Or perhaps a certain ex-president's.
The TinyCircuits Thumby series comes pre-loaded with 5 retro games, plus has an open-source code editor so you can make your own, plus use the mini console to create original drawings and animations. A Thumby Link cable (sold separately) allows for multiplayer action, and an included keychain clasp ensures you can take the lil' piece of gamer geekery anywhere.
Screw Chek'r SAE/Inch Screw Identifier
Ever want to know what kind of screw you're dealing with before you get too involved with it? Same. The Screw Chek'r is a pocket-, or toolbox-, sized 1/8" steel plate that will help you identify any screw you encounter.
At least the SAE or inch kinds of screws. You're on your own with the online dating kind.
Goblies Throwable Paintballs
You don't shoot 'em, you don't drop 'em like a bomb, and you definitely don't Goblies them up. Goblies Throwable Paintballs are soft and squishy projectiles that throw like a water balloon, and land in an explosion of neon colors.
Non-toxic, bio-based, washable, and designed not to leave big ol' black-and-blue goose eggs on their targets, Goblies Throwable Paintballs bring fun, colorful, and delightfully messy play to anyone ages 6 and up. They're filled with a "goo" Goblies says clings to skin and targets, but washes off with water, and comes out of clothing in the laundry. Their outer membrane is soft and flexible like a balloon's, but, made from seaweed, is much better for the environment than their counterpart's rubber or latex. Goblies dissolve on the ground and don't require pickup.
DnD Dice Jail - Time Out Chair & Dunce Hat
"Punish those pesky dice! They will learn their lesson fast enough on the chair of shame!" I couldn't agree more, DnD Dice Jail. In fact, I have always been an advocate of the time out chair and dunce hat. I think we should bring it back to the classroom. Public humiliation is a terrific form of punishment. Non-violent punishment, unlike knuckle-wrapping and ear-boxing, and effective punishment, unlike suspension and saying, "Hey, buddy, can you please stop playing explicit rap at full volume in the middle of math class?" It's...it's...nah, I know. It's pretty mean too, and will likely give the kids mental health issues.
But your Dungeons & Dragons dice? Screw them, those assholes. If they don't shape up after a round in Dice Jail, an anxiety disorder and depression will be the least of their worries!
Kickit Pro Trainer - Badminton Meets Soccer
The Kickit Pro Trainer tweaks the aerodynamic badminton birdie into a sporting good you kick with your feet rather than whack with a racket. In addition to occupying kids and antsy adults with a fun, energy-channeling game of body-bopping the birdie, the Kickit Pro Trainer can help improve soccer skills, general sports ball control and reaction time, and even juggling efforts. You can kick it with the Kickit birdie solo, pass it back and forth between friends, or create competitive, soccer-style games based on the Kickit Pro Trainer's one rule of play: no hands.
Well Hung Naughty Christmas Ornament
Is that a finger wiggling around in the Well Hung Naughty Christmas Ornament, or are you just happy to...defile the Christmas tree with a mock cock & balls to get some cheap jollies?
I fully support either, of course, and I'll bet Santa does too. He's the jolliest man in the land, after all, and after a couple glasses of eggnog to wash down his cookies, he'll likely be tipsy enough to enjoy some cheap ones.
Car Air Vent Decorative Strips
I know what you're thinking, but the Car Air Vent Decorative Strips use a full-length U-clip to stay in place, rather than adhesive or some other easily F-uppable installation method, so it's possible attaching them won't be quite as tedious and rage-inducing as untangling the strands of Christmas lights 2022 you just threw in a box at the end of last season thinking, "Eh, how bad can they get just sitting there?".
Car Air Vent Decorative Strips come in more than a dozen different colors / styles, each blingier and more over the top than the last.
Mythical Meats Humanoid Snack Sticks
Ever want to sink your teeth into some mermaid tail? Well, have at it, dudes. Just don't go looking for flavors of Ariel or Daryl Hannah in your box of Mythical Meats Humanoid Snack Sticks - no mythical creatures were harmed in the drying and dehydration of these high-protein treats.
Just pigs, cows, chickens, and a camel or two.
No joke about the camels. The Centaur Snack Stick is made of smoked beef and camel. Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that either. A Sweet Pepper Turkey Elf, or even an Andouille Yak and Beef Smoked Yeti sit better on my conscience. Probably in my GI tract too.
Fake Charger Plug Diversion Safe
In case you were wondering about the authenticity and integrity of this Fake Charger Plug Diversion Safe, its makers will have you know, it is made of "fine quality plastic." Which might not be as strong and durable as, say, steel, but the point here of course isn't to prevent people from breaking into your safe, but to keep them from recognizing it as a safe in the first place. And as someone who's seen a ton of decoy safes over the years, I think a fake charger plus is one of the better ideas out there, since you can not only hide your cash, stash, and other small valuables inside, but also store the diversion safe in plain sight. As opposed to a safe masked as a can of soup, a bottle of shampoo, or a light bulb, which would look out of place sitting on your desk or nightstand.
Sprouting Seed Faces - Plantable Paper & Edible Sprouts
OK, every one of these Sprouting Seed Faces clearly did not listen to their mama when she told them not to stick food in their ears or up their nose. And now, not only have those hunks of broccoli and bits of radish taken root and begun growing out of their ears and noses, they're popping out of their cheeks, mouths, and eyeballs too!
It's almost like Alien, but the kind of alien that implants itself in human faces not to take over the world, but to feed those of us who remain healthy, nutrient-rich edible sprouts!
Elephant Keychain & Key Holder
An elephant never forgets, and with this elephant neither will you. At least not when it comes to where you put your keys, since the elephant end of the Elephant Keychain nestles snugly inside a wall-mounted elephant house that makes up its Key Holder portion.
And their memories aren't the only thing elephants have going for them. There's also that giant trunk and the trumpeting sounds it can make. The Elephant Keychain mimics this trait by doubling as an emergency whistle - just blow into its trunk to sound the alarm, or to call your kids to dinner if you fancy yourself a 2020s Captain Von Trapp.
Make Me Pretty Lighter Cases
Ladies with large purses, Make Me Pretty Lighter Cases are calling to you. They're saying, Hey! Don't you need something superfluous and extra bulky to help fill that thing up? Not only can we double...triple...quadruple! the size of a standard BIC Lighter, but we can also make it exponentially harder to light!
OK, I don't know for sure about that last part, but it sure looks like it would be harder to light your BIC inside a Make Me Pretty Lighter Case. Or maybe you're not even supposed to. Maybe you have to remove it every time you want to use it, in which case...equally undesirable. Not a very helpful product overall, but I guess, true to their name, the cases will make your lighters pretty.
Portability, efficiency, and functionality - the cost of beauty, indeed.
The Throttle Opener
The Throttle Opener's got my hand - and mouth, and heart - goin' VROOM, VROOM VROOM! Time to grip hard, gun open some beers, and leave their bottles in the dust as they fly down my throat.
"A quirky twist on the traditional pop-top style bottle opener," the Throttle Opener's motocross design consists of a precision engineered SS304 stainless steel opener head, and high-density aluminum handle covered with an injection-molded rubber MX grip, the latter true to size. It is ambidextrous in use, so both righties and lefties can rev bottle tops in comfort.
Santa Frozen in Carbonite Christmas Ornament
Ho, ho, h-oh no! Santa Claus has gotten himself into a Carbonite pickle! He might survive as Han Solo did, but wasn't Han also frozen up in the stuff for, like, a year? Bad news, kids. I wouldn't waste my time with cookies and chimney cleaning for the jolly fat man this Christmas. Try again in 2024.
Lume Whole Body Deodorant Cream
At first glance, Lume Whole Body Deodorant Cream doesn't seem like the best gift for the holidays. Even for a white elephant party, since it's a serious product with a serious label that claims to do serious work on b.o. wafting out from everywhere from armpits to crotchal regions.
But. Have you considered your pubescent cousin Ricky, who is also a complete jackhole? Your smelly coworker you drew for Secret Santa this year? Your annoyingly prim & proper mother-in-law, who would never look a gift horse in the mouth, but would spend the next 3 months telling all her friends about the baffling, and likely re-gifted, deodorant cream her daughter's husband gave her for Christmas. Your - tee-hee-hee - ex-girlfriend Karen, who will receive her Lume gift anonymously, and then, if all goes to plan, develop a complex about her body odor.