Dude's Must See Products for April 2023

Dudes, have you yet to accept the wonder and benevolence of bidets into your hearts? If so, I've got something to, shall we say, sweeten the pot for you. The CleanShot. A bidet that rinses and dries your junk, and then snaps a professionally-lit, hi-res photo of it from a totally unique and exciting angle! Get ready to send the ultimate dick pic to your lady, or introduce yourself to your swipe-rights and favorite Instagram influencers with dick pics that truly sparkle!

Who's down to get #BidickPic trending on Twitter? Or how about #NoWipeAllSwipe? #AustralianSelfie?

You know, the selfie down under.

QuietFrames are for when there are too many sights to behold, too many stimuli catching your eye, too much visual noise. QuietFrames are Swedish-designed eyeglasses that claim to be an "innovation for visual noise reduction." Or, if you like, visual-noise-cancelling glasses.

How many tries does it take to get to the center of the Spyra water bullet water gun design? Let's ask Mr. Owl. Oooone. ...Twoooo. ... Thrrreeee! Three tries! At least for now, since Spyra just released the latest version of their standout water warfarer: the SpyraThree WaterBlaster.

The body and basic design of the SpyraThree look pretty much the same as the SpyraTwo, but, as Mr. Owl eating a Tootsie Pop would say, it's what's on the inside that counts. And here, Spyra has upgraded its WaterBlaster with the option to shoot a namesake 3 "super fast, consecutive, ultra-powerful" water bullets with each pull of the trigger. (Spyras One and Two each fired just one, with enhancements being mostly aesthetic.) In addition, a full SpyraThree tank can unload 22 pressurized blasts before you'll have to refill.

Now these are what I call Giving Trees. Handcrafted metal gates that are giving me all the feels to see and envision at the bottom of my own driveway. And giving me all the hope that someday someone will be giving me one to put there. Along with the stately house and drive that merit one of HFL Forging, Inc.'s phenomenal tree designs.

In describing the metalwork they do, the Vaughan, Ontario-based forge asks, "What would be better than handcrafting your imagination?" The images above are just some of the examples to the answer: nothing.

Brass knuckles, make way for gold...en arches knuckles. The McKnuckleDuster from R&B Creations is a 3D print of the iconic McDonald's arches doing their parabola thing over a set of knucks. And I'm McLovin' it. Are you McLovin' it? McLovin has gotta be McLovin' it.

Heat! Light! Sound! Comfort! Style! Empathic AI! The Ancient Ritual Arc Sauna has it all. Or at least all it needs to legitimately call itself a "modern" and "experiential" home sauna.

The Arc employs infrared heat, a 360-degree system whose output is less intense than traditional electric or wood-burning stoves, but supposedly more stimulating for your circulatory and lymphatic systems. It certainly allows for longer sauna sessions that won't cook you like an Easter ham, and is generally more practical to use as a heat source in saunas for the home. The science suggests infrared heat aids in everything from sleep quality to detoxification to post-workout recovery time to burning more calories while you sit there and do nothing but sweat.

I particularly like that the Denim Thong Underwear have the words, "Do what you love" printed on the right side of their wearer's crotch. Inspiration, and motivation, for ladies who might wonder if they should be having so much sexy time, as well as a notification to their sexy time partners that they best love what they're about to do, and follow it up with a sparkly, finger-sized indication of that love in the near future, or the next time the pants come off, instead of the Denim Thong, they'll find a pair of Lord of the Rings Underwear instead.

Sorry, birds, I know any one of these mid-century modern birdhouses from Mid-Century Wood Shop would be your dream home, but I myself live in a condo because I can't afford a house. So unless you start contributing, round up your sneaky beaked friends, and get to work scavenging for dropped bills and coins, plus straight-up stealing wads of cash from dudes standing in line at the food truck, I can't afford to buy you a house either. Especially not a luxe architectural masterpiece like one of Mid-Century Wood Shop's designs.

So I'll stick with my 1200-square-foot cube in a multi-family low-rise, and you stick with your DIY twig-and-leaf builds in the trees.

Bwoooaaahhhzzzzz! Zzzhhwooom! That's the hum of a Seagate Lightsaber Collection FireCuda SSD igniting, and thrashing up to 7300MB/s of Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, or Obi-Wan Kenobi-backed speed at your PC.

A Special Edition and officially licensed piece of Star Wars merch, Seagate's Lightsaber Collection FireCuda PCIe Gen4 NVMe SSD launches with 3 iconic lightsaber faceplates, and RGB lighting to bring "a galaxy of atmosphere to your drive." Even better, the faceplates are swappable, and the lighting customizable, so you switch between the Light Side and the Dark Side, the old wise ones and the young whippersnapper, according to your mood. That is, according to how you've fared in your work, gaming, and online dating lives that day.

VanLab says their Campervan Conversion Kits are DIY start to finish, and "If you can put together other flat-pack furniture then you can definitely do this, it's literally just screws...." Just screws, eh? And what's the probability that the screws will screw me, and I'll end up screwed myself? Yes, one too many online furniture purchases have made this dude a DIY pessimist.

For the optimists amongst you - and those ready to embark on a road trip / camping adventure in an RV have got to have some level of the trait - VanLab's conversion kit certainly seems like a gem. Or rather, an eco-friendly set of woodwork panels made from sustainable Birch Plywood.

The Lacoste Crocodile has gotten a makeover. Eight of them, actually, courtesy of Netflix and its series Stranger Things, The Witcher, Bridgerton, Shadow & Bone, Sex Education, Lupin, Money Heist, and Elite.

The snazzy collaboration between the streaming service and the fashion brand has resulted in a line of classic black polo shirts with the iconic Lacoste logo upping its pop culture game. The 5cm crocodile on the front of each polo is embellished in some way to reflect the TV series it represents.

Knuckle dusters and butt plugs are two products that never get old around here. So it's a true blessing that Etsy shop Zealeous decided to combine them in this fine piece: Ass Knuckles.

Giving new meaning to the term "ass whoopin'," the Ass Knuckles are a 3D printed design made from PLA in your choice of 10 different colors. Zealeous notes multiple times in the listing that Ass Knuckles are meant to be a novelty or gag gift, and only a novelty or gag gift. They are not intended for use as a sex toy, i.e., please do not ram them, push them, or even insert them very slowly whilst taking deep belly breaths up your or someone else's bunghole. Choose from one of my many other featured butt plugs if you're looking to do that.

Squishy, spiny, toothy, fruity, and now spooky. Cartoonish sandals are making a run for the Shoe of the Summer, or perhaps Shoe of the Shower, title. These Skull Sandals are one-piece molded EVA slides suitable for wear at the beach or pool, in the gym locker room, or just around town, with or without socks, to look like a general rock & roll badass.

Or a frat bro.

Or a dad trying to be cool.