Goodies for Baddies: Gifts for Your Favorite Villains

What do you get the guy who already has Space, Power, Reality, Soul, Mind, and Time? Not to mention one who's a Titanian Eternal and needs no food, water, or air, can't contract terrestrial diseases, and won't die of old age?

My best guess: Bob Ross. Thanos has had a chaotic year of death and destruction. He needs some calm, a way to decompress. He needs happy little trees, and a happy little man with a soothing voice and an Afro showing him how to paint them.

Unlike Thanos, Bob Ross was not immortal (RIP, Bob). But his memory, his brushstrokes, and his Wet-on-Wet technique of laying down the paint live on in The Joy of Painting set of 10 DVDs. Nine, one-hour instructional sessions cover subjects such as Peace Offerings of Summer, Winter Glory, Seascape with Lighthouse, and Times Past.

So when people see blue flames licking around when the Night King is off with his zombie dragon, they'll assume it's Viserion breathing, not the Great Dead Ice Ruler building a pretty campfire to keep from freezing his ass off north of The Wall.

Mystical Fire packets turn all wood-burning fires (the ones in your living room included) into a circus of colorful flames. You can go all blue for hangin' with the Night King, or get multi-colored versions.

Well, it's either this or a dozen sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. Sorry, Mini Me, Mr. Bigglesworth, the helmet doesn't come in sizes XS or Cat.

The helmet with the (eeeevil?) red glow and hefty price tag claims to be FDA-cleared as a treatment for hair loss and thinning hair in both men and women. According to iRestore makers, if you wear their robot laser hat for 25 minutes 3 times a week, "you can expect to see visible improvement in as little as 12 to 24 weeks."

True, Jabba might like to use this hefty drum to force Leia into a slave girl lube wrestling match. But I think a 55-gallon barrel of lube would come in even handier for him when he's forced to, say, get up and push his fat gangsta slug ass through a doorway.

Here's the thing: you know the Joker has the real dangerous experiments for after dinner covered. The ones that involve bazookas and blow torches, razor-tipped playing cards and laughing gas. But given that he's been fully immersed in psychopathy since 1940, he's no longer capable of anything but 10/10 dangerous. He lacks the subtlety and non-deadly finish of entertaining a group of friends. And that's where Dangerous Experiments for After Dinner can help.

From sabering a bottle of Champagne to hanging a pear on a string over 2 criss-crossed knives, and then cutting the string to quarter the pear (?!) this daredevil deck of stuff to do besides talk about religion and politics is sure to be a big hit at the Joker's next dinner party. It pretty much guarantees his guests will come back for more. And by "more" I mean "alive."

SkySaver backpacks are intended to serve as simple, practical escapes from multi-story buildings during fires or other life-threatening situations, such as when you're holding innocent people hostage while trying to steal $640 million in bearer bonds, and some lone wolf NYPD detective trying to win back his wife gets all superhero and knocks you off the roof to die. Hard.

The packs come with cable lengths of 80', 160', or 260', and all have been tested according to ASTM, ANSI, and Yippee ki-yay standards.

Trust me, a man who "must break you" and goes 15 rounds to KO with Rocky suffers the consequences the next day if he doesn't stretch and massage his taxed muscles properly.

The TheraGun muscle massager might be the non-human massager to end all massagers. It's a professional-grade tool for increasing blood flow, decreasing lactic acid buildup, and cutting off the pain cycle that typically follows intense workouts, boxing the shit out of someone, or having the shit boxed out of you.

"Alexa! Who's the fairest of them all?" "Alexa! Give me the number of a huntsman!" "Alexa! Order me some apples from Prime Now!"

New for 2018 is Amazon's 3rd generation Echo Dot, with a softer, more decorative design, and improved sound quality.

I know Biff won't be using these pencils to do his homework, but I feel like he could carry them around with him and pull one out at random when he needs to insult a McFly. "Butthead" is hilarious and all, but it's time to expand your repertoire, dude.