Hamburger Wallets & Bags

Posted: April 16, 2019

I've seen Toddland's Deliciousness Burger Wallet making the rounds on the web this week, and was going to focus this hamburger accessory discussion exclusively on the juicy cash and card carrier from those self-described "purveyors of fine indoor clothing."

But then the gods of Google saw me looking up the Toddland's Burger Wallet and so started showing me all these other hamburger and cheeseburger wallets and bags and I was like, Holy double bacon and cheddar, burgers have taken the fashion world by storm!

So since I have so much meaty material now, I figured I'd just share all the hamburger wallets - and cheeseburger wallets, and hamburger purses, and felt hamburger macaron coin purses - with you at once.

Toddland Deliciousness Burger Wallet

A foam-filled squishy bun and lettuce and cheese on the profile, but if you want to get to the meat of this burger, you'll have to look inside the wallet, whose printed polyurethane construction hides the patty on the inside, in the form of a trio of brown card holders. There are also card holders, and a clear window ID holder, on the facing side, plus a center slot for your bills.

Yep, it's an old school wallet for old school burger lovers. And if you're wondering what the best way to carry the Deliciousness is, here's my suggestion: ask your wife to put it in her purse.

$30 ➠ Toddland

DCI Yummy Pocket Hamburger Pouch

This burger is at least a double deluxe, a pouch with room for all sorts of little EDC goodies inside its 6" x 6" x 4" circular walls. The DCI Yummy Pocket, version Hamburger, has 2 zippered pouches larger enough to hold phones, pens, lip gloss, money, and credit cards.

$10.99 ➠ Amazon

Cuki Bags Hamburger Purse

I don't know about owning a hamburger purse, but I would like to own an actual hamburger the size of Cuki Bags' hamburger issue. Mmmm, if any fine burger joints out there are wondering if they should add a 7" diameter cheeseburger to their menu, my answer is Oh hell yes!

$210 ➠ Etsy

Judith Leiber Couture Hamburger Crystal Clutch Bag

Despite the insane price of a crystal-encrusted hamburger evening bag, I must say, Judith Leiber's interpretation is probably the most thoughtful and striking of the group.

The burger patty looks nice and thick - a half pounder for sure - and it's appropriately dressed with slices of cheese both on top and under it, plus the finest specimens of summer's tomato and lettuce offerings. Even the pickles look robust and perfectly soured.

My only complaint is the sliver of raw red onion poking out at the top. That thing can GTFO of the space between my buns. Grilled, caramelized, pickled, that's fine. But raw onion, and the lingering taste it leaves in my mouth for the next day-and-a-half, can go to hell. Or to live on veggie burgers.

$5,695 ➠ Neiman Marcus

Rubber Cheeseburger Change Purse

This one looks like the least comfortable to carry, all puffy and made of rubber. But at least that makes it water-resistant!

Still, I'd probably just leave this little burger on my desk as a stash box.

$25 ➠ Etsy

Felt Hamburger-Shaped Macaron Coin Purse

Awwwww. Just awwwww. What a pwecious wittle burger. Handmade in Ireland from felt (not sheep's wool as I was hoping) with the tiniest of adorable details, including sesame seeds, sliced onion (bah! Sacrilege!), tomato, lettuce, cheese, and a burger patty with the zip running through its center.

$11.67 ➠ Etsy