I Laughed At This Stuff But Now I'm Hooked

Posted: January 08, 2019

Yes, that's right. I resisted, ignored, eye-rolled, or laughed at this stuff, but now I'm hooked. The following collection includes gadgets and tech, household items, personal hygiene products, and fitness gear, one explosive smoking device, and one very sexy toy. They pretty much have nothing in common except for my undying love for them, and the life hacks and improvements they've helped me make.

And the fact that I had zero interest when I first heard they existed.

What can I say, I'm slow on the uptake.

If you're a skeptic, or someone who is generally opposed to changing habits and loyalties, especially when the ones you have are working just fine for you, we are on the same team. And I'm not here to try to convince you to convert to any of these products because I did. I'm just reporting on my experiences and how a little change did me good.

Like I said, I laughed at this stuff but now I'm hooked.

Note: product prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.

RumbleRoller Deep-Tissue Massage Roller

First I saw it and laughed, and then I used it and cried. Calling the Rumbleroller a "deep-tissue" massage roller is an understatement. Put it this way: if you want to roll out your quads on this thing, put it under your hamstring and start the motion. You'll feel it all the way through your muscles, tissue, fasica, and bone to the other side.

If it wasn't clear by the antagonistic-sea-creature look of it, the Rumbleroller differentiates itself from other foam rollers with an extra firm hollow core construction, and a surface covered in equally extra firm nubs. The nubs dig the ever loving bejeesus out of your legs, glutes, and back to manipulate soft tissue in a way RumbleRoller says is similar to the fingers (and elbows!) of massage therapists.

$45 to $70 ➠ Amazon

TUSHY Temperature Control Bidet

Hey, don't crap all over bidets. At least not until you have one handy to clean up your bunghole when you're done.

TUSHY is a bidet attachment that connects to your existing toilet and its plumbing lines to bring luxury and contentment to your nether regions. I've found it to be an easy, unobtrusive, and fairly inexpensive way to give my butt the kind of love it never knew it always wanted.

In addition to feeling good in action and leaving my fine ass spic 'n' span post-spray, TUSHY eliminates the need to use toilet paper and wet wipes, which the company points out has both environmental and health benefits. No more toilet tissue means no more toilet tissue waste, plus no more toilet tissue-clogged pipes. And apparently, many, many of us are not well trained in TP use. Incorrect or incomplete wiping leads or contributes to around 26 million cases of hemorrhoids, UTIs, yeast infections, and, uh, skid marks a year. TUSHY says the design of the bidet spray and the nature of water itself will clean you up more hygienically than toilet paper, and reach crevices the 2-ply cannot.

$99 ➠ TUSHY

Electric Water Kettle

I won't say I laughed at the concept of an electric kettle, but I definitely wasn't interested in adding another kitchen gadget to the countertop. But guess what. One showed up on the countertop without my prior consultation or approval. My wife must have known I'd fall prey to 1.8 quarts of water coming to a full, rolling boil in 3 minutes just like she did.

So far in life my favorite way to use the electric kettle is for boiling water that I then dump into a pot on the stove to bring back to a boil for cooking some fine fettuccine noodles.

$35.33 ➠ Amazon

The Womanizer

No, I did not buy a Womanizer sexy time toy for myself. But it has still made my life much, much easier, and none to the detriment of anyone else I share a bed with.

Go on and read the description and reviews for yourself. My wife, She-Ra: Princess of Power, told me if I discuss anything whatsoever to do with our...nightlife...here she's perfectly happy to drop me like a 55-gallon barrel of lube and spend her time with the Womanizer alone.

$100 to $150 ➠ Amazon

Glad Press'n Seal Food Wrap

When Glad says this shit sticks to anything, they mean this shit sticks to anything. Except they don't really refer to their Press'n Seal Food Wrap as "shit," probably because the word also carries a negative connotation, and wouldn't resonate well with their midwest housewife majority market share.

Now that Press'n Seal Food Wrap exists, I don't know why they even still make normal, pull-your-hair-out-frustrating saran wrap, and I definitely do not know who still buys it. I mean, Press'n Seal is Michael Jordan, and everything else is a kid without arms.

$13.17 for a 3-Pack ➠ Amazon

"Flip-It" Wine Aerating Carafe

I like "Flip-It" Wine Aerator, but Menu actually calls their invertible / revertible carafe the Winebreather. Though similar to a decanter in shape - and in function if you choose to use it that way - the aerator distinguishes itself with a bottle-neck-hugging top lined with an accordion of water(well, wine)tight rubber. Place the Winebreather over the mouth of an open bottle of wine to create a seal, and then Flip It! The wine pours from the bottle to the carafe, aerating it along the way.

From there you can remove the bottle and serve your wine straight from the decanter. Or! You can Flip It! again and send the wine back into the bottle for aerated service straight from the source. The second option is especially handy if you need to decant several bottles of wine, and want to do it in advance of your guests arriving, or before you sit down to enjoy a Syrah-laced Star Wars marathon all by yourself.

$49.92 ➠ Amazon

Dress Pant Sweatpants

Are these the pants of the future? Well, they're the pants of this guy's future. Dress Pant Sweatpants are what happens when boredom meets the boardroom. Yes, they really are stretchy and loungy and comfortable, and yes, they are also stylish and inconspicuous.

$98 ➠ Beta Brand

Push Pull Rotate Doorknobs

Brinks' Push Pull Rotate Door Locks allow for knob operation and open sesame access hands-free. So you can still get in and out when your arms are full. Or your hands are dirty. Or it's one of those days your fingers are made of butter.

You can use a Brinks Push Pull Rotate knob to open the same door in 3 different ways, and with many different body parts: push it with a hip; pull it with an elbow; or rotate it with no more than a finger to release the latch and cross the threshold.

Prices Vary ➠ Amazon

The Volcano Vaporizer

What I laughed at when I first heard about the Volcano Vaporizer was its price. Uh, are you guys missing a decimal point to the left of that last 9? In today's weed-friendly world, how can a smoking accessory among thousands of smoking accessories charge hundreds of dollars more than the rest, and still make money?

This is how: it buries the competition. Deep under its hardened lava and piles of ash.

Smooth smoking. Precision smoking. Efficient smoking. Performance smoking. The Volcano brings it all. With a side of very low odor and very little choking for the newbies and delicate flowers. The stainless steel Volcano base houses its internal ceramic heating element and heat dial with air temperature output adjustable from 266 to 446 degrees F.

The set comes with (reusable) Polythene balloons that have been preassembled and sealed with orange valves. The valves slip and lock on top of the heated Volcano for aromatic filling. Once removed, the valves stay locked until your lips press against their mouthpiece to release and inhale the goods inside. Take your mouth away, and the cap automatically re-locks for 100% waste-free puff-puff-passes.

$479 to $599 ➠ Volcano

Smooth Move Tea

Eating that 28-ounce porterhouse with a bloomin' onion side: not a smooth move. Drinking an all-natural herbal tea with natural laxative properties for relief: Smooth Move.

Maybe you dudes already heard about Smooth Move Tea from your girlfriends or wives or yoga instructors, but I had to wait until a particularly rough bout of shitlock and hear about Traditional Medicinals' miracle brew from a pregnancy blog that showed up when I typed, "Please make me poo" into the Google.

Smooth Move Tea is a constipated man's unicorn. It's a fully herbal supplement, caffeine-free so you can drink it before bed (recommended) and it works - like a magical, mythical, majestic sidekick! - overnight. Traditional Medicinals says typically within 6 to 12 hours.

Tip: Smooth Move Tea pairs especially well with the TUSHY Bidet.

$10.79 for a 2-pack ➠ Amazon

Electric Toothbrush

After another 80-minute round of oral torture at the dentist last year, my hygienist told me if I started using an electric toothbrush at home it would cut my in-office cleaning time in half. Because the electric toothbrush "is so much better at getting between and inside teeth, and will remove most buildup before it turns into calculus."

"Calculus," if you didn't know, is also a medical term for "tartar." You're welcome to anyone who didn't already have a bad enough association with the word because of math class.

Mostly I just nodded at the lady to get her to stop talking, and also because my gums were so bludgeoned I couldn't really move my lips to speak, but a few days later Amazon had a sale on a fancy electric toothbrush, so I went ahead and bought it.

1 Year Later: I went to the dentist the day after Christmas and was in and out in under 45 minutes.

Jerks still charged me the same $175 though.

$69.95 ➠ Amazon

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