Presenting the Alphabet: 18 Gifts that Start with J
Juicy, Jim, Jedi, Just, and JAG kick off my roundup of 18 gifts that start with "J," and Jeri, JoGo, jelbows, and Juego do Domino close it out. In the middle? A Judy and a Bruce.
A Juice Bruce, that is. Enjoy.
Note: All alphabet gifts are priced as they were at printing on November 15, 2022. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
Juicy Salif Citrus Squeezer
Oh holy arachnid! I'm not going to need a set of Samurai sword kitchen knives to exact retribution on that SOB onion, I'm going to need them to save myself from the Juicy Salif citrus-squeezing alien! And by "citrus-squeezing" we all know I mean brain-squeezing. Just crack open a skull and this 3-legged monster will do the rest.
Jim Beam Hot Dog Roller
Let the good times, and the tasty dogs, roll with the Jim Beam Hot Dog Roller. Made for even and efficient grilling, the stainless steel Hot Dog Roller has space for 'cueing up to 5 franks, or other tubular sausages, at a time. You can also use it if your backyard BBQ is more of a taquitos and egg rolls shindig.
The Jedi Path: A Manual for Students of the Force
According to high-ranking officers of the Galactic Republic, through wars and rebellion, only a single copy of The Jedi Path: A Manual for Students of the Force has survived. They add, "It is now passed on to you." Holy Skywalker, me?! As this chick at the gym I have a massive crush on until she starts talking would say: O...M...G.! Seriously?!
No, not seriously. In fact, I think the "single surviving copy" of this manual can actually be had by anyone with cash money or a major credit card. You, me, my brother Darryl, my other brother Darryl.... Not to marginalize its wondrousness. That sweet vaulted exterior you see? It opens mechanically, and to much Star Wars fanfare. Press a button and the doors draw apart. The motion unleashes a symphony of Jedi sound effects through surging blue LED backlighting. Then, slowly, an inner platform rises to reveal - booyakasha! - an exclusive, faux-leather-bound edition of The Jedi Path.
Just Text Us Doormat
"Just text us when you're here. No need to knock and get the dogs involved." Whether you're a pet owner or not, this doormat sends a relatable message. And since anyone who comes over is certainly on their phone right up to the point you open the door anyway, it's probably easier for them to send a text notification of their arrival than to lift a hand to the doorbell or knocker.
I mean, unless it's your mother-in-law, who doesn't text at all, or ever tell you when she's coming over, in which case you should go with this door knocker instead of the mat.
JAG Communal Grill Table
I don't really want a JAG Grill for myself. I mean, it's a lot of money and seems like a lot of work to put together and maintain, and then you have to, like, clean it.... But I am very much in favor of someone I know really well, someone who would invite me into their backyard nightly to partake in the 8-person DIY BBQ bacchanals the JAG grill encourages, I am very much in favor of someone like that buying one.
Cornelius! Wait. My friend Cornelius doesn't have any money. ... Mama!
Joking Hazard - Build Funny (and Terrible) Comics
What game could be better than combining leading and inappropriate partial thoughts to make profane and hysterical complete ones? Joking Hazard. A game that combines leading and inappropriate partial thoughts to make profane and hysterical complete ones...with pictures.
Jack Rack Guitar Amp Key Holders
Rock out with your...keys and fobs secured safely in a Jack Rack so you don't lose or impale yourself with them. A bangin' nod to the guitar amp, Jack Racks are mountable keychain holders with real 1/4" musical input jack keychains that plug into the ports for storage.
Jelly - The Smallest 4G Smartphone
What is this, a smartphone for my smartphone? No? You mean I'm supposed to hold this Jelly, this...this...thing that's no bigger than a pack of peanut butter crackers, in my own giant manhands, and use it to talk and text? You can probably guess what I'm about to say.
I don't think I'm ready for this Jelly. Are you?
JUDY Emergency Preparedness Dry Backpack
Maybe it's cheaper to buy all of the SOS, medical, and survival items included in a JUDY dry backpack separately, and then buy a dry backpack and assemble them into a Go Bag yourself but...I have too many gaming and Reddit scrolling hours to log. I don't have that kind of time to prepare for emergencies. Plus, JUDY organizes, labels, and fits the 53 pieces in this 4-person pack way better than I ever could.
Jar of F*cks Gift Jar
I don't give a f*ck about you...I give a whole jar of f*cks about you! Ha! What an unexpected linguistic turnaround! Not to mention the perfect gift for the girlfriend or wife who loves wordplay. And f*cks.
Java Log - Recycled Coffee Grounds Fire Logs
Nothing beats the smell of fresh coffee brewing in the morning. Except, perhaps, recycled coffee grounds burning in the evening. Java Logs are eco-friendly fire logs made from recycled coffee grounds. The logs' green composition allows them to burn with fewer carbon monoxide and creosote emissions than wood, plus, according to maker Pine Mountain, blaze hotter and brighter.
Jellyfish Cocktail Glasses
Never thought I'd want to plaster a jellyfish to my face before. But fill one of these Jellyfish Cocktail Glasses with a Gin Martini or a Sidecar, and I'll let its tentacles crawl over me all night.
Even the most boring cocktails will deliver a visual sting served in the smoked molecular jellyfish glass. Sold singly or in sets of 2, the drinkware's cascading tentacles hit your bar or tabletop at 5 support points for stability.
Jumbl Puzzle Board Wooden Jigsaw Puzzle Table
What, you can't finish that 1,500-piece jigsaw puzzle of a color gradient in one sitting? Sigh. Why'd you open it then? Now it's going to be cluttering up the dining room table for the next 3 weeks! Shoulda bought the Jumble Puzzle Board before the puzzle.
From Clemens Habicht's to Pure White Hell, this wooden jigsaw puzzle table from Jumbl creates a spacious, portable, and storable surface for completing your puzzles. Or, more importantly, not completing them. With 6 magnet-latched side drawers, the Jumbl Puzzle Board provides an easy way to clean up and hide away unused pieces between puzzle sessions.
Juice Bruce Citrus Squeezer
And you thought getting the occasional squirt of lime in the eye from your friend Cornelius' Corona was bad. Juice Bruce spends his entire useful life getting doused in the acid of citrus fruits. All in the name of serving his duty as a cute 'n' clever gift for your girlfriend or accessory for your own kitchen.
Jeri-Rigg your whole life with this multi-functional tie-down / anchor point / attachment point / strap straight outta Chassell, Michigan. The Jeri-Rigg system pairs with securing tools such as bungee cords, tie-down straps, lanyards, ropes, netting, carabiners, webbing straps, chains, or anything else you can stick through its end loop bullseye. The Jeri-Rigg itself then wraps and secures around a similarly long list of structural objects.
JoGo Portable Coffee & Tea Brewing Straw
To call the JoGo a portable coffee & tea brewing straw is a bit of a misnomer. At least the way I initially read it, which was the way that made me think this 7.8" x 0.5" stainless steel straw had some sort of coffee ground / tea leaf reservoir and a percolation system built into its itty-bitty frame. It does not.
Instead, the JoGo has a built-in filter that enables you to drink coffee or tea you brewed all makeshift-survivalist-style (i.e., by dumping loose grounds or leaves in your cup, adding hot water, and stirring briskly) without sucking up a mouthful of the sandy or woody bits along with the liquid.
jelbows Gel Rests for Wrists & Elbows
They had me at "jelbows." You dudes know me well enough by now to know it doesn't even matter if these gel rests for your wrists and elbows alleviate joint pain and desktop contact soreness for workers, and WFHomers, who sit at their desks all day. I just like the word "jelbows!" It's right up there with "galoshes!" (More on the best words in the English language here.)
Juego de Domino - Concrete Dominoes
Wonder what kind of damage concrete dominoes do when you knock them over. This Juego de Domino set is made by MDC, a concrete design studio based out of Mexico City. And, perhaps for the first time in contemporary history, it appears to be a domino set intended for actual domino gameplay, rather than domino run-building and toppling.
Which brings us to our next question: do any of you dudes or ladies out there know how to play dominoes? This dude sure as sh-ement, sand, water, air, and gravel doesn't.