Presenting the Alphabet: 19 Gifts that Start with O

Not that it's easy for middle-aged people, or even recently minted 40-year-olds like myself to keep up with the changes in pop culture trends, tech, and lingo these days, but The Older Person's Guide to New Stuff is predominantly intended for...hey! Talk to the hand, fartknocker! Forties isn't an older person. Forty is da bomb. Forty is all that and a bag of chips!

Anyway, like I was saying, The Older Person's Guide to New Stuff is predominantly intended for people like your mom, dad, gramps, Aunt Jan, and anyone else who needs a dictionary-encyclopedia hybrid to look up words and concepts such as "troll," "cryptocurrency," and "The Twitter."

Work from home or, maybe even better, get an OmniShelf computer workstation, portable desk, tool shelf, and briefcase, and use its burly suction cups and magnets to work from the side of truck, outside your friend Cornelius' window, or up against the aluminum art installation at your local park.

A versatile and dynamic solution for computing outdoors and on-the-go, the OmniShelf workstation turns almost any flat vertical surface into a shelf or functional work space via its 2-in-1 magnetic utility shelf or 4 big suction cups. Combined with the steel cables that open the case, the OmniShelf can support up to 40 pounds of weight in laptops and other tech, multimeters and trade tools, photography equipment, magic show and balloon animal props - the necessary equipment for an array of professions requiring a portable desk or hands-free workstation.

OMORPHO weighted sports and fitness clothing won't just omorpho you into a whole new level of athlete, or human with a hot, ripped body. But the line of "MicroLoad"-enhanced tops and bottoms could give you an edge as you work your ass off to achieve those goals yourself.

OMORPHO MicroLoads are small spheres of weight evenly distributed across key areas of OMORPHO activewear and, in turn, your body. The weights are heavy enough to increase the challenge to your body as you perform various sports and fitness activities, but light and unobtrusive enough that you can still move freely and naturally, with almost the same speed and intensity. Almost.

Over time, OMORPHO data shows athletes wearing their weighted clothing can increase power, vertical jump, and speed by 8%, 9%, and 3% respectively. Fitness freaks can enjoy an increased caloric burn of about 8% and work output of 6%.

Fold your notes, messages, and nagging reminders into cranes, butterflies, boats, and other whimsical shapes that will make the words you've written look as charming as they sound. Or lessen their blow, as the case may be.

SUCK UK's Origami Sticky Notes level up boring yellow Post-Its with instructions for turning each square into one of 10 different 3D models. A little manual dexterity on your part is required too.

Uh, I know it's called an Omniblade, but I still wonder if it's wise to hold this apocalypse-ready machete multi-tool from omni ends. For example, it seems like the Omniblade grip the dude in the photo has chosen is just as likely to incur a gutting of his own self during wielding as it is to hack apart the zombie he goes up against.

To its credit, the Omniblade's fusion of a machete, a tomahawk, and a saw looks real good. Bloody good is perhaps the best superlative for it. And when its makers say the dynamic tool / wreaker of havoc has a "one-of-a-kind design" they're certainly not exaggerating.

McCormick recommends dumping Old Bay Hot Sauce into your chili, soups, and stews. I'd think shrimp and oysters, fresh or fried, would be pretty high on the list too. And if you're planning a DIY Hot Sauce Challenge for New Year's Eve or halftime at next year's Super Bowl party, Old Bay has now got you covered there too.

So many types of nuggets to love out there, and now Opal's ice maker adds perfect nuggets of ice to classic favorites chicken and weed. It's not that the Opal Nugget Ice Maker is inventing a new type of nugget ice, but that the company has developed a fast-freezing countertop machine that can serve up "the good ice" for well under the $2,000 to $3,000 price tag on commercial models.

Nugget ice is soft and chewable on its own, and slushily delicious swirled through your favorite sodie or cocktail.

I wish...I wish...oh I wish I had some dry aged beef carpaccio topped with shaved Parmesan and arugula, and drizzled with some cold pressed extra virgin olive oil from Tuscany. Gasp! Thank you, Oiladdin!

Well, for the perfectly-poured olive oil drizzle, anyway. I see you arrived without the beef, cheese, and greens though. Guess I'll need to conjure up my good neighbor State Farm agent for that.

The Oiladdin is an Aladdin-style silicone lamp that screws in to most oil (or vinegar, or soy sauce) bottles to create a clever-looking pour spout and stopper.

If your favorite pastime is being offended, get ready for hours of fun with Offensive Crayons. And even if you're open to the politically incorrect, unless you're Daniel Tosh politically incorrect, you might wince at the idea of coloring a moving neutral abstract out of Miscarriage Maroon and Travel Ban Brown, with accents of Insufferable Vegan Green, and the unavoidable wash of Privilege White.

Bored of coloring with the same old hues, and perhaps anticipating the excitement to be had in poking and riling up others, Offensive Crayons have replaced the Reds, Yellows, and Blues in your wet blanket box of Crayolas with vibrant descriptions of some of today's most, well, colorful topics.

Though Ombraz sunglasses are pronounced Ohm-bruhs, don't let their inclusion of the sound bruh kill your interest in them. Because Ombraz actually do two very un-douchey things to sunglasses. One, they remove the snappabble, warpable, loseable sidearms or hardware, replacing them with an adjustable cord to hold the Ombraz snug to your face. And two, according to their Seattle-based designers, who probably have a lot of experience sitting on or otherwise crushing their sunglasses due to never needing sunglasses in Seattle, Ombraz are unbreakable.

Why settle for becoming a walking eyesore from just the waist up? Sweaters now have some competition for the World's Tackiest title, courtesy of tailored male fashion. OppoSuits are...did you figure it out?...the opposite of business suits. According to their makers, this means two things: 1) They are ridiculous; and 2) They are awesome. Well. I'd sport one for Halloween or my next magic show anyway.

Fine. ... I'd wear the "Genius Suit" with equations on it to work too.

Everyone's all on about the advancements in the computer industry. The cell phone industry. The automotive industry. But what about the sex toy industry? Isn't it about time they got the props they deserve for the groundbreaking contributions they've made to society? The sex selfie stick? The Tenga Flip Hole?

In Objects of Desire: A Showcase of Modern Erotic Products and the Creative Minds Behind Them Rita Cantinella Orrell finally exalts (or at least curates) adult toys as the "beautifully crafted objects" they are. Over 100 toys, pieces of jewelry, and accessories are featured in stunning photos showcasing their nature as high-tech gadgets or handcrafted pieces of art. Concise rundowns of the items' names and, uh, applications, complement the images, while minimal graphic clutter allows them to shine (and buzz, twist, and squeeze) on their own.

Ten years ago, Oru Kayak Kickstarted a new invention - something they called "the origami kayak." It's a foldable, packable, lightweight, but entirely paddle-able kayak Oru says comes with "the strength and performance of a hardshell boat, the portability of a suitcase, and a mind-blowingly cool way to transform between the two."

If looking like a complete schmo in an Ostrich Pillow means that I can sleep through transcontinental flights and my boss' stories about his Junior Samba Champion grandson, then bring on the gawks and guffaws. I won't see them anyway, nestled all cozily within the dark confines of my uniquely designed micro-environment.