Presenting the Alphabet: 21 Gifts that Start with W
Who, what, where, when, why? The Dude. 21 gifts that start with W. Here. Now. Because that's the letter we've reached in my journey of alphabetic gift gift-giving.
Note: All alphabet gifts are priced as they were at printing on January 10, 2023. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
What Now Bitch? T-Rex Coffee Mug
The expression of pure joy on the What Now Bitch? T-Rex's face probably brings me more joy than the mug's sentiment itself. But a T-Rex roaring, "What now bitch?" while holding a set of grabbers like the ones I gave my Nana when she got too old to reach high or bend low still brings me a good amount of joy on its own.
High-fives and pushups all around!
Watermelon Ball Swimming Pool Game
What we have here is a Watermelon Ball, star of the beloved pool game Watermelon Ball. Made with a durable vinyl membrane, it fills with water such that it looks, feels, and floats like a watermelon, thereby enabling a higher intensity and caliber of play than Watermelon Ball played with an actual watermelon. Which leaves only one question:
What the juicy pink-fleshed fruit is Watermelon Ball?
According to the people who make fake watermelons to sub in for the real ones, Watermelon Ball is a "popular water game played in pools, lakes, and ponds all over the country." Hmmm, that explains it...not at all. But from the looks of the photos in my image gallery, Watermelon Ball is probably like rugby. If rugby were played underwater. And with a watermelon.
Whisker Dam Mustache Protector
They say it's like an umbrella for your face. And also that it's the best dam invention for keeping your whiskers dry. The Whisker Dam sits over a pint of beer (or milk, or triple mocha with extra whipped cream) and prevents the liquid's foamy head from sticking to the sipper's 'stache. This shielder of lip hair can also slip over glasses containing non-foamified drinks, such as Old Fashioneds and Grape Fanta, just to help keep follicles clean and dry.
The Whisk Wiper
What is this whiskcraft I see before me? You mean worming my tongue between the wire loops and getting chocolate cake batter all over my face isn't the best way to clean off the whisk when my girlfriend is baking? Nah. Not unless whisk-licking is your definition of a good time. If you'd rather just figure out how to get all the goop - every last bit of it - off your whisk and back into your bowl, check out the Whisk Wiper.
Ladies and their lady parts must really like this Womanizer contraption and its suction cuppy O-face of a tip because this is one sex toy I keep: 1) reading about in major publications; 2) hearing all my wife's girlfriends whooping about when she hosts their Bunko & Wine nights; and 3) getting all-I-want-for-any-gift-giving-occasion hints about from my own wife.
Yeah. I'm not sure if I should be more insulted that she wants me to buy her a vibrator, or that she wants me to buy her a vibrator that costs $200. Then again, when something comes with a "100% Orgasm Guarantee" I guess steep surges in both female desire and price tag are to be expected.
Warrior Axe Straight Razor
Ah, a straight razor for a straight-up warrior...who's also pretty dexterous with a razor. And an axe, for that matter. Magic Ethnics' Warrior Axe Straight Razor is a sight for sore Viking / Celtic / Nordic / gamer / cosplayer eyes, but I'd imagine it could also be a source for a sore face if you don't know how to wield the thing properly.
Wonderffle Stuffed Waffle Iron
Holy Shmi, mother of Vader! I just watched a Wonderffle - and I mean Wonderffle! - man stuff his waffle with fried chicken. Built-in chicken & waffles! Made possible by this smoky black feat of deep-dish cast iron and 3D honeycomb, the Wonderffle Stuffed Waffle Iron.
Chicken & waffles not for you? How about a bacon cheeseburger stuffed waffle? Or a prosciutto and mozzarella stuffed waffle? Or a caramelized apple stuffed waffle, or a red velvet stuffed waffleorachickenfajitastuffedwafffflllle!!!!
Excuse me, I need to go change my pants.
The Wonderffle Stuffed Waffle Iron is a personal waffle magic maker for people who like waffles and creativity and indulgence and foodgasms. The 3-piece, modular designs allows you to create a sort of, er, waffle house around an almost limitless number of fillings. You can the remove the stuffed waffle intact, and eat it like a sandwich, or with utensils.
Whalecum, my friends. We have nothing but whalecum for you in this house. Spermy the Whale gives a gushing "Hello!" to all guests who cross the threshold in this delightful Whalecum Mat.
The doormat's creators call it "the dopest doormat on the planet," and while my wife would replace the word "dopest" with "grossest," I myself wholefootedly agree with them.
Wurf Board Standing Desk Air-Spring Anti-Fatigue Mat
The Wurf Board lets you ride the waves...of unending emails...and hang ten...Excel spreadsheets of Q3 product reports...right from your desk, all day long. The anti-fatigue mat for standing desks doesn't just copy the surf/wakeboard aesthetic as a sales hook; with air-spring innards and a lively-reactive surface, it forces users to make micro-movements and body modifications while on it, helping to increase alertness and, unlike foam mats, improve circulation.
Wayband Haptic Navigation App & Wristband
Hands-free? That all you got, newfangled tech? Well, Wayband sees your hands-free gadgets, and raises you one that's eyes-free and ears-free too. The Wayband Haptic Navigation App & Wristband is a personal navigator that relies on gentle vibrations to guide you where you're going - no looking or listening required.
No hands, either, just to cover that base too.
Wrist Buddy Yoga Blocks
There's always room for improvement in yoga, and apparently there is also always room for improvement in yoga gear. These Wrist Buddy Yoga Blocks described themselves as "the ultimate ergonomic upgrade for maximum wrist comfort, support, and stability, hands down." They follow in the wake of other yoga experience upgrades, such as thicker, cushier yoga mats, sweat-absorbing yoga mat towels, non-slip grip socks and gloves, and yoga leggings for men.
You can still turn Wrist Buddy Yoga Blocks any which way to provide additional height and stability during your practice o' bending and contorting. But when you're using them as hand grips, turned to their 6" or 9" height, you'll have the benefit of their contoured thumb, wrist, palm, and finger surfaces providing additional comfort and stability.
Windmill Floor Fan
Windmill Fan: Looks cool; might cause cancer. (But, I mean, only if you believe windmills cause cancer.)
The Windmill Fan is a floor fan that reaches halfway to the ceiling at 69.25" tall. It has wooden legs, an oil-rubbed bronze finish, and a kind of farmhouse industrial aesthetic. If that's such a thing.
Worky Home Office in a Briefcase
Worky won't make the chaos of work itself any better, but the home office in a briefcase will contain the chaos of the tools you use to slog through another day of emails, presentations, and video meetings. A latching white box "designed for remote workers by remote workers," Worky endeavors to keep your work space tidy and contained, enable you to work from anywhere, be it a WFH setup or the airport, and, most importantly, make your work crap easy pack out and get the hell out of sight at the end of the day.
Widescape WS250 Stand-Up Snowmobile
From stand-up desk at work to...stand-up snowmobile at play? The Widescape WS250 is the world's first stand-up snowmobile, an off-trail ride with an anti-slip platform users stand on to make their snowmachining experience more physical, more engaging, more immersive, and, if Widescape has bet right, more fun.
WorkRobe - Business on the Top, Comfort on the Bottom
The WorkRobe is for working (from home) women who don't want to put on a stiff collared shirt or itchy sweater for one stupid Zoom call. Or, worse, to sit around stiff and itchy on video conferences all day long. Coined as "Business on top, comfort on the bottom," WorkRobes are a unique take on business casual that combine a bottom half of mid-length bathrobes, with a top half of button-down, cowl neck, or blouse-style shirts appropriate for the office.
Wingball - 88 MPH Foam Not-Football
You'd think the Wingball would throw like when you have a bag of pork rinds and your friend Cornelius wants one, so you try to toss it to him instead of either of you getting up and walking the 7 steps to do the exchange, but the pork rind is too light and not aerodynamic, and ends up traveling the equivalent of 2 steps before falling on the ground. Thus forcing Cornelius not only to get up and come get it after all, but also to eat it off the ground.
But according to Wingball maker Hog Wild, this football-like foam flyer can easily cover a 7-step range. Maybe even a 700-step range, given its ability to use a "tubular tirade of science and simplicity" to "whizz past you at 88 miles per hour!"
Why Are We Not Having Sex Right Now? Neon Sign
Yeah, dude. Why aren't we having sex right now? I mean, not with each other, though I'm sure you're great and all. No, but why aren't we having sex right now with other people? Our significant others? Eager beavers we met at Vaccingles Night? Or at the very least, ourselves?
What Would Skeletor Do?
What would Skeletor do? He'd call Diabolical Ways to Master the Universe a fluff piece for flea-bitten fur brains, and tell author Robb Pearlman, "I could write a book about what you don't know!"
Actually, Skeletor really says that last bit, in the foreword he's written for What Would Skeletor Do?: Diabolical Ways to Master the Universe. In true 80s evil villain form, he opens with a trademark angry insult, and then goes on to say he would have done a far better job writing the book in its entirety, but Masters of the Universe gave official rights to "grain of sand for a brain" Pearlman due to Skeletor's NDA. Which he must have signed thinking it was a bill for his Havoc Staff repair.
Iced coffee and chocolate milk. Protein shakes and smoothies. And, while the Whiskee Straw doesn't directly relate to the whiskey spirit, it can certainly get in the whiskey spirit and mix up Manhattans and Old Fashioneds for you too. Exactly as it appears, the Whiskee Straw is a reusable straw with a whisk on one end. And exactly as you might think, the Whiskee Straw was made to whisk up drinks on the go, mix drinks without dirtying multiple utensils, and re-stir drinks that separate before you've finished them.
Wrench Pocket Knife Multi-Tool
While no one likes having a wrench thrown in their plans, it does seem you dudes enjoy have a wrench to accompany them. I bring you this titanium wrench pocket knife multi-tool hot on the nuts and bolts of the Ka-Bar Wrench Knife because it received a grand reception despite not even being a functional wrench. This folding hybrid is equal parts pocket knife and spanner.
Woo Warmer - Under-Rug Electric Floor Heat Mat
Dudes, are you ready to warm your woo? Or should I say, warm your boo's woo? The Woo Warmer is an electric floor heat mat that slides under any area rug or carpet to transfer up to 115 degrees of toastiness to the toes and tushies on top.
Available in 3 sizes, the Woo Warmer slides (mostly) unseen under your preferred floor covering, and then plugs into a standard wall outlet to distribute radiant heat over the mat's surface, and then upward toward the people (and pets - it's safe for them too) above.