Stuff That Makes It Worse Before Making It Better

A machine that turns your achy and busted up body ice cold in an effort to fix it is probably the least offensive of the items in this list. But still. It's Ice. Cold. Those first couple minutes after the freezing temperatures hit your ankle / knee / shoulder / nutsack, and you're trying to suck it up long enough for the numbness to set in. What an unpleasant first world problem!

Ossur's Cold Rush device is essentially a small cooler with a motor, tubing, and a line of body part-specific pads that deliver continuous cold therapy to whatever has you aching, laid up, and ticked off. Fill its chest with ice and water and Ossur says the Cold Rush will output a constant stream of chill and compression to help soothe and reduce pain and swelling. The device's cooling motor is the same as those used in mobile air conditioners and refrigerators.

"Habit conditioning device." Yeah. That's a euphemism for "Wristband that shocks the bejeezus out of you when you F up. But hey, if it's good enough for training the dog, it's good enough for training you.

Pavlok thinks so anyway. And most people who were spanked as kids or repeatedly got hit in the face playing dodgeball would probably agree that the infliction of physical pain is a terrific teaching tool (stop mouthing off, stick to chess club). So the Pavlok bracelet, a wearable device that delivers a mild electric shock when you piss it off, might be your best bet for breaking some of your worst habits.

Need some physical therapy? Hold on, lemme grab my handheld jackhammer.

The TheraGun muscle massager might be the non-human massager to end all massagers. In fact, I'd bet a crisp Abe Lincoln it could give most human professionals a run for their money too. Tension and pain relief, increased blood flow, relaxation...well. I wouldn't put relaxation at the top of the list of benefits you'll receive during TheraGun use.

Yes, ladies, it's kind of like a vibrator for all your other muscles.

Only the Vyper doesn't build pleasantly to an explosively happy ending, but rather starts as a dull ache that crescendoes into, as its name would suggest, a sharp, paralyzing bite. But one that's good for you!

You've might have seen foam rollers before, and you might have seen HyperIce brainchildren before, but this hybrid of hurts so good combines the two for a very special therapeutic experience. The HyperIce Vyper is a foam roller with built-in high frequency vibration technology.

I don't think training with the Private Gym will create intense physical pain, more just a mild malaise. And even that will stem largely from the use of a penis trainer sounding, looking, and feeling awk!ward!

The Private Gym homes in on the one part your Beachbody video stream neglects. But before you reach for a Viagra to long-and-strongify your johnson, this penis trainer would like its shot at ripping your member to shr-...uh.... Maybe I'll go with a different idiomatic expression for muscle building in and around this particular area.

Take 2: The Private Gym would like its shot at building you a boner of steel capable of achieving orgasms more powerful than the Hulk wearing Mark III.

If the claims prove true, it will also prevent premature ejaculation, enable greater ejaculatory force, support bladder control, alleviate incontinence, and improve prostate health.