The 10 Weirdest Japanese Products

Posted: January 07, 2018
  • Baby Foot
  • Coasters
  • Futon
  • Mouth Exercise
  • NoPoPo
  • Octopus
  • Pinky
  • Piston
  • SushiCat
  • Water Walker
  • Neck Wrinkle

The main challenge with showing you the 10 Weirdest Japanese Products is showing just ten weird Japanese inventions. I found dozens. And if I could read a lick of Japanese and was able to browse dot jp websites, I'd probably find millions. In fact - particularly in the health & beauty sphere - I think it might be more difficult to find Japanese products that aren't weird than those that are.

But I've done my best to cull the masses and curate the madness. So here they are, my picks for the 10 weirdest Japanese products you can buy.

Note: Japanese product prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.

Water Walker Underwater Treadmill Contact Water Walker to inquire about price. You know those dreams you have where you're trying to run towards or away from something, but you just...can't...make...your feet...move? It's like running through quicksand, or setting concrete, or...on an underwater treadmill. Yippee! The Water Walker underwater treadmill is about to make all of your stress dreams and nightmares come true! And it will get us fit or rehab us from injury without impact along the way!

Iyashi Octopus Sucker Massager $19. Hmmm, what do you think, is that picture Photoshopped? And if it isn't would you consider having a pinky-sized chunk of your cheek Stretch Armstrong-ed a foot away from your face: 1) relaxing; and 2) $20 well spent?

The Iyashi Octopus Sucker Massager is a Japan especiale fashioned like a big rubber oven glove dotted with dozens of little suction cups--or an octopus and its suckers. You can wear the glove suckers-in to massage your hands and feet, or suckers-out to go after sore necks, backs, legs, and, uh, jaw muscles. Japan Trend Shop calls this Iyashi approach "a special quasi-acupuncture suction session." But it reminds me more of this one horrible form of torture my girlfriend made me subject myself to "to destress and encourage blood flow" called cupping. Matches, glass jars, the literal vacuuming of skin and muscle into them. It looks like this during the process.

Liberta Baby Foot Human Molting Peel $20. I don't know what medieval witch magic LIberta puts in their Baby Foot exfoliant foot peel to produce the skin-molting effects you see before you but, even though it would make perfect sense here, I promise you it's not snake oil. Have a look at the ingredient list yourself. My fiancee says two near the top, lactic acid and glycolic acid, usually show up in her face peels, but...damn. If her face peeled off like that I'd tell her to go back to Jaqen.

Taruman Mouth Exercise Training Figure $36. Use feats of strength to fight sagging skin and other signs of aging with the help of your lil' buddy Taruman. You can position the mouth exercise action figure both to push back when you try to close your mouth, and battle hold your lips shut as you try to open it.

Sococo on the Bottom Coaster Set $23. Apparently, Sococo on the Bottom is a whole series...of squished school girl body parts serving as coasters for your glassware. If blue isn't your color, maybe you'd prefer a pancaked co-ed in pink.

Pinky Queen Top Pack Nipple Lightener $21. I understand that Pinky Queen nipple...pinkener?...is a boobie beauty tincture developed with a female customer base in mind. And I definitely think females with nipples that are splotchy, unsavorily-hued, or look like they've been gnawed on by a kid one too many times should use it. But I feel the real market here, those who could really do us all a service with daily Pinky Queen applications, is men. Specifically, men who gallivant about with their shirts off on a regular basis. More specifically, men who are: McConaughey; Efron; Tatum; and Hemsworthseseses.

King Jim Wearable Futon Air Mat Set $90. Funny how a mere 90-degree turn can transform this wearable Japanese futon from a reasonably comfortable night's sleep into an awkward, stifling onesie that probably goes swish, swish between your thighs with every step. Though I would think it's really only intended for wear during cold-weather camping trips or some kind of survivalist adventure, or possibly while hostel hopping. Not at work for emergency nap time as the Japanese suggest in their photos.

Electric Piston Masturbator Though sold out at printing, I'd recommend those who want to get their "fifth hands" on Japan's A10 Piston electric masturbator check back regularly. Like, whenever you're horny. This popular product is sure to return.

The A10 Piston has risen out of what its creators call a passion to become the pioneers of electric masturbators. While (surprisingly, yet on second thought not surprisingly at all) other piston masturbators do exist, this one's up-and-down thrusting piston structure features a choice of several movement patterns that realistically simulate the natural sensations and strong stimulations of actual and variable sexual contact. Basically, this robotic vagina's got everything but the human girl flailing around it!

Urine Powered Batteries $24. Yes, $24 for six AAs is steep, but they hold their charge for up to 10 years, and, let's face it, you're never going to have trouble finding a couple mils of pee when they need a reboot.

NoPoPos (No Pollution Power) are eco-friendly and emergency-ready batteries that are fueled by handy, everyday liquids most people can't wait to get rid of. OK, mostly water, but their Japanese manufacturers assure us OJ, Coke, beer, and your very own streams of gold produce the same effects. The batteries are ideal for power outages, earthquakes, and survival kits. They are also made of 100% non-toxic materials, so Mother Earth won't have wonder where she went wrong raising you after you max out their 5-refill capacity, and dump them in her lap.

Neck Wrinkle Iron $159. Wouldn't give this one as a gift to your girlfriend for Valentine's Day. Even if you tell her it's a ultramod necklace from Paris, once she feels the Wrinkle Iron's heater driving EMS and radio waves into her skin, she'll figure out you've really given her an anti-aging tool. And she'll be super pissed.

Unless it works.

Nekozushi Sushi Cats $8. Bonus #11! I couldn't leave out the Sushi Cats. Talk about hacking up a furball! You know, Japan, there's a thin line between cute and...eating a living cat wrapped in rice and seaweed. Even if it's just a toy, even if it's all in good fun, Sushi Cats are still only 1 beloved house pet away from Sushi Babies. Weird.

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