The 17 Best Dirty Santa Gifts for 2020
My picks for the 17 best Dirty Santa Gifts for 2020 sees Dirty Santa preparing to release the Kraken. Dirty Santa pleased to show off one set of nuts while cracking another. Dirty Santa showing a preference to butts over boobies this year. And, in that vein, Dirty Santa fixin' to make a Dirty Sanchez.
Whether you drew names for a gift exchange, or just want to play dirty (Santa) with your Aunt Jan, here are my recommendations for the 17 best Dirty Santa Gifts for 2020.
Note: Dirty Santa Gift prices are marked as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.
The Poop Knife
Who's up for slicing and dicing a few turds for some toothsome endeavors? Just kidding. The Poop Knife, as you probably already know, is for breaking up the big boys you deuce drop into the toilet to ensure they take a smooth trip down the tubes. A journey through the plumbing pipes that doesn't end with you huffing and puffing at the other end of a plunger.
Unleash the Kraken Male Vibrator
I've heard a lot of talk about "Release the Kraken!" this past week, so here it is. A Kraken that, when released, provides the same in return. Release.
Admittedly, I myself named this cephalopod-lookin' male masturbator after the Kraken, but only because it's real name of Male Vibrator 10 by Feelingirl does it no justice. Not only does the electric cock sock have 3 different massage points along its shaft, plus a 4th at the bottom to give your penis some much needed head, but look at it! Black as ink and sexy as hell, this isn't just a vibrator for men, it's a sea monster for your p-monster.
Ugly Christmas Face Masks
Ugly Christmas Face Masks. Oh for the love of the Baby Jesus do I hope that next Christmas we can look at these Pop Funk pandemic PPE creations and say, "Ugh, those are so 2020."
But for the holiday season at hand, the grand finale to the year of covid, climate, vote casting, et. al., we might as well embrace these new additions to the ugly Christmas sweater trend. I mean, we gotta wear face masks in public anyway, so they may as well be face masks that spread Christmas cheer as they stop the spread of the virus.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Mankini
Rudolph Mankini, reporting for sleigh-driving, eye-popping, nut-hugging duty! Christmas suit meets birthday suit in this jolly, Borat-approved (and sexy-time-ready!) men's thong. Ownership of the Rudolph Mankini means you can tell the host of any holiday party you're invited to - Zoom celebrations included - you'll be there with bells on. Two jingle bells, right at the nipple line, to be exact.
Christmas Tree Toilet Plunger
Seventeen years too late, but this Christmas Tree Toilet Plunger would have made a perfect prop in Christmas Vacation. A little something for Uncle Eddie to have tucked under his Meister-Brau-and-stogie-wielding arm during the iconic "Shitter's Full" scene.
Shark Fart Prank Gift Boxes
If you think the idea of a shark fart sounds funny all by itself (teeheehee, I do) wait 'til you see the hilarious execution of the Anal Explorer Starter Kit, Electric Fence Bed Divider, and Adult Diaper Garter Belt Set boxes this particular shark farts out to its jokester, prankster, and white Dirty Santa gift-giving' customers.
Taco Holder Butt Plug
Grab a Taco Holder Butt Plug and run for the b...ack door. I should be all Borat "I excite! I excite!" about Etsy shop Glow F**k Yourself's fetish toys - sex and tacos might be my two favorite things on Earth.
But it's like, if my wife is wearing the Taco Holder Butt Plug, I get to eat the taco, but I don't get to wear the butt plug. (And don't even get me started on the guilt trip I'd get about which taco I choose to eat.) But if I'm wearing the Taco Holder Butt Plug, then it's my wife who gets to eat the taco. Unacceptable!
Not to mention I know as soon as she's done she's gonna be all, "Oh I'm really full and bloated now, and my stomach's gassy...I'm just not in the mood anymore."
Hand Sanitizer Christmas Tree Ornament
What would be really great is if there were some actual hand sanitizer inside this Hand Sanitizer Christmas Tree Ornament, because I'm about to run out.
What is really great is that Hand Sanitizer Christmas Tree Ornament maker, the Old World Christmas Store, has this to say about their blown glass holiday nod to 2020: "Our Hand Sanitizer Ornament will add a beautiful, elegant touch to any Christmas tree or to accent the decorations within your home." Yes indeed. A beautiful and elegant reminder of our frantic hoarding amidst a global pandemic, and the COVID19 virus that could kill us. In fact, I'd say the blown glass Hand Sanitizer Christmas Tree Ornament's beauty and elegance is perhaps second only to the Old World Christmas Store's blown glass Toilet Paper Christmas Tree Ornament.
Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers
The message may not be subtle, but the flatulence-fighting effect will be. Subtle Butt inserts are made of soft fabric treated with an antimicrobial solution. The side of the patch facing the user's underwear also contains activated carbon, which traps and knocks out unpleasant scents. Probably all day for the sporadic wind breaker, but only for about 3 to 4 hours if you're a chronic farter.
Star Wars TIE Fighter Nutcracker
TIE Fighters may be fragile, but they're strong enough to crush your nuts. Rebel pecans, Jedi almonds, your only escape now is through my GI tract!
Trivia: Has anyone ever tried to buy cashews in their shells for Nutcracking Night? If you were successful, you're probably dead or have a third arm or something by now. Cashews aren't sold this way because the tree nuts' protective housing is toxic. They're covered in urushiol, an oil that can cause a nasty, painful rash (OK, not death or superfluous limb growth).
Feisty Pets Santa Bear
Remember Feisty Pets? The sweet-to-snarling stuffed animals are celebrating the holiday season with a Feisty Santa Bear, the ultimate cuddly teddy who can turn vicious grizzly in the blink of an eye. Or, more accurately, a squeeze of the fur behind his ears.
Named Ebeneezer Claws (should be Santa Claws), this special edition Feisty Pet is 8" of nice...turned naughty when you don't give him his honey.
Waka, waka, waka, it's the old possum in the office trash can surprise! You know, the classic Office Possum prank. The practical joke of the...yeah, OK, the practical joke of the nothing. Hiding a possum in your co-worker's desk or the break room fridge isn't a thing. ... Which is precisely why the Office Possum is a hilarious gag! They'll never see it coming!
Running Behind Condiment Bottle Topper
I couldn't decide whether to call this condiment bottle topper of a dude having explosive diarrhea of your chosen condiment "Running from Behind," "Runs from Behind," "Poocasso," or "Ass Blaster." In fact, his name is Sir Perky. I know that doesn't really fit the full moon and #2 on steroids view you're getting above, but let me give you some context.
Sir Perky is a major exhibitionist, and began his career showing off his other side, in the form of household goods such as Sir Perky Bottle Openers and Sir Perky Corkscrews. Also, if you click through to the purchase page, you'll see the view of his front side, which screws onto your condiment bottle, is, well, also ready to screw your condiment bottle.
Friendship Test Pin Set
Oh look, Dirty Santa, it's hairy testicles. A pair of a pair of hairy testicles handmade to be worn by you and your bromance better half to prove the bond between you is stronger than steel. Stronger than balls of steel. Stronger than the humiliation of walking around wearing balls of steel.
Oh nuts, it's the ultimate Friendship Test.
Pet This F*cking Puppy
Author Robb Pearlman and illustrator Jason Kayser call Pet This F*cking Puppy the "first-ever touch-and-feel book for grown-ups." I have to disagree with that - haven't they seen Pat the Zombie? - but I do think their take brings a different kind of interactive stress relief to the genre. The kind that reminds you we've all been there, that if you don't laugh about it you'll end up crying.
Texas Toothpick is a euphemism for this 2-pronged S-curve's true nature and intent. I almost selected it as the next edition of What Is This Thing? but decided its application isn't discrete or practical enough to make it a fair pick. But still, you're probably wondering, "Uh, what is this thing?"
Those from the South might recognize it, and its Texas Toothpick name, but for everyone else, this is an authentic (and sterilized) penile bone from a large American raccoon. It is roughly 5" long. Compared to the size of the raccoon itself - and remember this is just the bone, not the whole boner - that's pretty rockstar. Or rather, porn star.
So what do you want with a big ol' raccoon dick? Good fortune in the game of love, and a stellar performance at the big DNA dance; Texas Toothpicks are love and male enhancement charms. According to the listing, in some parts of the South young suitors tie a red ribbon around a Texas Toothpick and present it to a potential mate as a sign of their affection. Another belief is that raccoon penile bones enhance masculinity and sexy time prowess.
Deuce Dropper Pooping Butt Tea Infuser
Some take their tea black, but those who use the Deuce Dropper pooping butt tea infuser know it tastes best brown. Hope your cup of tea doesn't mind getting teabagged!
In the spirit of the Running Behind condiment bottle topper, I present you another tacky piece of kitchen gear, and gross way to eat and drink.