The 17 Best Dirty Santa Gifts for 2020

I've heard a lot of talk about "Release the Kraken!" this past week, so here it is. A Kraken that, when released, provides the same in return. Release.

Admittedly, I myself named this cephalopod-lookin' male masturbator after the Kraken, but only because it's real name of Male Vibrator 10 by Feelingirl does it no justice. Not only does the electric cock sock have 3 different massage points along its shaft, plus a 4th at the bottom to give your penis some much needed head, but look at it! Black as ink and sexy as hell, this isn't just a vibrator for men, it's a sea monster for your p-monster.

Grab a Taco Holder Butt Plug and run for the b...ack door. I should be all Borat "I excite! I excite!" about Etsy shop Glow F**k Yourself's fetish toys - sex and tacos might be my two favorite things on Earth.

But it's like, if my wife is wearing the Taco Holder Butt Plug, I get to eat the taco, but I don't get to wear the butt plug. (And don't even get me started on the guilt trip I'd get about which taco I choose to eat.) But if I'm wearing the Taco Holder Butt Plug, then it's my wife who gets to eat the taco. Unacceptable!

Not to mention I know as soon as she's done she's gonna be all, "Oh I'm really full and bloated now, and my stomach's gassy...I'm just not in the mood anymore."

What would be really great is if there were some actual hand sanitizer inside this Hand Sanitizer Christmas Tree Ornament, because I'm about to run out.

What is really great is that Hand Sanitizer Christmas Tree Ornament maker, the Old World Christmas Store, has this to say about their blown glass holiday nod to 2020: "Our Hand Sanitizer Ornament will add a beautiful, elegant touch to any Christmas tree or to accent the decorations within your home." Yes indeed. A beautiful and elegant reminder of our frantic hoarding amidst a global pandemic, and the COVID19 virus that could kill us. In fact, I'd say the blown glass Hand Sanitizer Christmas Tree Ornament's beauty and elegance is perhaps second only to the Old World Christmas Store's blown glass Toilet Paper Christmas Tree Ornament.

I couldn't decide whether to call this condiment bottle topper of a dude having explosive diarrhea of your chosen condiment "Running from Behind," "Runs from Behind," "Poocasso," or "Ass Blaster." In fact, his name is Sir Perky. I know that doesn't really fit the full moon and #2 on steroids view you're getting above, but let me give you some context.

Sir Perky is a major exhibitionist, and began his career showing off his other side, in the form of household goods such as Sir Perky Bottle Openers and Sir Perky Corkscrews. Also, if you click through to the purchase page, you'll see the view of his front side, which screws onto your condiment bottle, is, well, also ready to screw your condiment bottle.

Texas Toothpick is a euphemism for this 2-pronged S-curve's true nature and intent. I almost selected it as the next edition of What Is This Thing? but decided its application isn't discrete or practical enough to make it a fair pick. But still, you're probably wondering, "Uh, what is this thing?"

Those from the South might recognize it, and its Texas Toothpick name, but for everyone else, this is an authentic (and sterilized) penile bone from a large American raccoon. It is roughly 5" long. Compared to the size of the raccoon itself - and remember this is just the bone, not the whole boner - that's pretty rockstar. Or rather, porn star.

So what do you want with a big ol' raccoon dick? Good fortune in the game of love, and a stellar performance at the big DNA dance; Texas Toothpicks are love and male enhancement charms. According to the listing, in some parts of the South young suitors tie a red ribbon around a Texas Toothpick and present it to a potential mate as a sign of their affection. Another belief is that raccoon penile bones enhance masculinity and sexy time prowess.