Things That Make You Go Ewww
Take a quick scan through this collection of things that make you go Ewww, and see if you can pick out a pattern. Or maybe it's better to say pick out, pop out, suck out, blow out, or stroke out pattern. Any guesses?
Most of the gross, off-putting, and ewww-inducing products on my list have to do with human body parts.
And I wonder: does that say more about us as a culture, being grossed out by weird contortions and aberrations of the human condition, or is this all me and my own perception of what constitutes a 7/10 to 10/10 ick factor?
It can't be just me, right? Are these not things that make you go Ewww too?
Nose Shower Gel Dispenser
Imagine if you will that you're cleaning yourself with a bunch of snot. Hard to imagine? I have the perfect solution. Buy this big fake nose and have your liquid soap (or snot) drip out of it onto your hands so you can lather it all over your body. That should make it easier.
This dispenser holds a lot of soap. Or snot.
People Pot Pies
What the Marie Callender's is a People Pot Pie? According to Ashley Newman, owner of Etsy shop It Came From Under My Bed, and possible evil witch from Hansel & Gretel, it is a "pie made of people." People mixed with fava beans and cooked down with a nice Chianti, Ms. Newman?
Life-Size Human Eyeball Ring
In looking through the listing for this life-size human eyeball ring on Amazon, the first thing I noticed is that it isn't the only life-size human eyeball you can buy on Amazon. I don't know why I was surprised.
However, Dead Head Props' life-size human eyeball is the only ocular organ that comes attached to an adjustable metal ring for easy everyday wear, and the ultimate gift for your girlfriend that might finally convince her to stop asking you for jewelry all the time.
Jizz the Game
Huh, an 8" pink penis called Jizz the Game. I wonder how you play that. Maybe some of you bachelorettes out there prepping for your buttery-nipple- and dick-straw-filled parties as we head into wedding season can test it out and get back to me.
Ugly Feet Flip Flops
Oh man, I thought my friend Cornelius had ugly feet. But if even he got a pair of these Ugly Feet Flip Flops, I would know the crusty, cracking, mangled, bunion-bulging dogs from the swamp couldn't possibly be his own.
Ugly Feet Flip Flops, which I might also consider anti-theft flip flops, come in black, orange, blue, and pink color schemes - albeit all with the same watered-down-mustard toenails - and in sizes for everyone from the kiddos to Bigfoot himself.
Sexy Chest Swimsuit
A sexy man chest to caress and a sexy swimsuit to wear to your next pool outing - talk about having your cake and eating it too, ladies.
Naturally, the sexy chest (and back!) depicted on this one-piece is hairy. Real hairy. Everywhere from pecs to belly to back to ass to...Happy traaaaails to you, until we meet again! No wait, that's not quite true. The swimsuit does take a hair break at the thoracic to lumbar region of its back, both to enhance its real-life accuracy, and to create an equally sexy "fuzzy bikini" look from behind.
Nosefrida The Snotsucker Nasal Aspirator
I don't know about you, but I sure can't think of a better gift for new parents than an apparatus that will allow them to suck the snot out of their kid's nose with their own mouth. And who says you have to limit usage of Nosefrida the Snotsucker to children? I wouldn't mind having someone else clear my nasal passageways as I stand idly by. Hey Cornelius! Can you come here for a minute?
Nosefrida the Snotsucker nasal aspirator - if only I could make this shit up! I'd be the next Daniel Tosh! - was developed by Swedish doctors for assuaging the stuffy noses of children who are too young (or too spastic) to use a Kleenex. One end of the tube rests against the offending nostril, while the other snuggles inside Mommy's or Daddy's mouth in preparation for the ultimate suckfest.
Baby Foot Human Molting Peel
Whatever Baby Foot brews in their solution that, 5 to 7 days after you apply it, makes all the dead skin on your feet peel off in sheets, it seems to be no joke, and no exaggeration. There are literally thousands of reviews of this foot beautifier, from all kinds of men and women, and dozens of customer photos showing sickly fascinating individual results.
With an emphasis on the sickly.
Blood Bath Wall Mural
Huh. Now this is interesting. And by "interesting" I mean, "I really hope I never show up to someone's house and see an entire room wallpapered in blood splatters." That's, like, some psycho housewife shit. Some Kathy Bates in a secluded cabin in the woods.
Pixers' line of Blood Bath Wallpaper bleeds dozens of different hemoglobin-themed designs ready for ordering by the slice. Panels are available in the buyer's choice of sizes, from 39" x 39" up to 80" x 100".
Edible Dehydrated Zebra Tarantula
What's that you're eating? Antelope jerky? Pssshh! Amateur. Real men, men with balls as big as their 3 p.m. snack cravings, eat dehydrated zebra tarantulas. Straight from the can.
There's not a whole lot of information about this zebra tarantula in its listing, but here's what I gather: it's edible.
Pop It Pal Pimple Popping Simulator
Long to be poppin' zits like a G6? Look no further than the Pop It Pal Pimple Popping Simulator. Even with the teen acne days behind you, and most of those juicy back zits juuust out of reach, this fleshy, pus-filled brick brings the equal parts gross and gratifying act of bursting a dermatological volcano to everyone. Poise your pointer fingers, amp up your bodily fluid fascination, and get ready to Pop It Pal.
Edible Anus Chocolates
Willy Wonka: I'll be honest...fellas, these were tasting great. But...I could've used a little more anus. So...could you go back and tweak it a little, whip me up another batch with a few more?
Chocolatier 1: Uh...well...the butt was kind of just a joke Willy, but...sure thing.
Several rounds of tasting later. Wonka is fired up and maniacal.
Willy Wonka: More anus! I gotta have more anus, baby!
Chocolatier 2: Willy, uh, I don't know. I mean, do you not think maybe a hunk of chocolate shaped like a butthole would maybe make people not want to eat it?
Willy Wonka: Actually, guys, guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription is...more anus!