Vaportini Liquor Inhaler

Those who do not live in Washington or Colorado, I have a consolation inhalation prize for you. A glass globe-and-funnel contraption straight out of the Real Genius chem lab, the Vaportini kit gassifies alcohol into a breathable cloud of intoxication. Instant intoxication. Calorie-free intoxication. Yes, I agree. The Vaportini is both the best and worst* culinary invention ever created.

So where to get one and how to use it?

Vaportini manufacturers currently handle sales of their kits directly. Each includes a glass globe, metal ring, plastic funnel, glass straw, and candle. Acquire a kit, and then find yourself some alcohol with a proof of 80 or higher. During extensive testing (what lucky SOBs got that job?) Vaportini wizards determined higher proofs, as well as flavor-laden spirits, produced the best inhalation experiences, imparting strong but smooth essences. Their favorites: any persuasion of Absolut; Knob Creek bourbon; Tanqueray Rangpur; and Effen Black Cherry Vanilla.

Next, obtain a pint glass. It is the one element the Vaportini kit does not contain. Then:

• Place the candle in the bottom of the pint glass and light it.
• Secure the metal Vaportini ring to the top of the glass.
• Set the Vaportini globe on top of the ring with the opening facing up.
• Insert the funnel into the opening of the globe, and pour in 1 to 1-1/2 ounces of spirits.
• Allow the spirits and your anticipation to heat for approximately 4 to 5 minutes. Excitement will peak as a clear vapor begins to form.
• Insert the straw into the globe's opening, making sure to hold it above the liquid.
• Suck it up! Suck it up! Waaa!...um, sorry. I mean, inhale deeply, hold the vapors in your lungs for a few seconds, and then exhale.
• Rock on.
• Responsibly.

Note: The Vaportini is legal to sell in all states for any establishment with a �Consumption on Premises� license. Meaning that bars and restaurants can buy them in bulk and make a killing, particularly in cities such as Los Angeles and Dallas where the entire female population refuses to consume calories.

Note the Second: Alcohol inhaled Vaportini-style is still detectable in a blood alcohol test.

*Vaportini reps suggest that the vessel's speedy kick-in characteristic actually advocates responsible drinking. Since we feel the liquor's effects shortly after exhalation, our typical desire to knock another one back right away--or in this case, hit the straw again--subsides. However, the idea is based on the assumption that people understand what it means to have too much of a good thing, that less is more, and that overconsumption is a fundamental plague of the 21st century. Most people do not understand these things. They're why I own a dozen devices with the "i" prefix, why I'll be wearing Dress Pants Sweatpants to work until I lose the gut I gained in December, and why I had to scrape and Drain-O some idiot's puke out of my bathroom sink after a Christmas party last month.