Brain Hat
/Brain-Hat-1800.jpg "Brain Hat")
Too stoic to wear your heart on your sleeve? Then wear your frontal lobe on your Bieber side-swept bangs! The "brainchild" of a self-proclaimed starving medical student, this clever, kitschy knitting pattern will earn you double takes everywhere from the ski slopes to the local science fair. And since most people you pass on a daily basis are in dire need of a functional, practical brain, loop up a few extras to keep on hand, and peddle them for beer money. The standard size is designed for 23- to 25-inch heads (sorry, Tyra Banks, Conan O'Brien) but can be adjusted up or down with a little ingenuity and a basic understanding of the genetic makeup of yarn. If you have yet to complete your stitch 'n' bitch training, why not get the pattern as a gift for Grandma, and ask her to take care of the hand-forging? It's probably time to hit her up for some cash anyway, so the visit will be doubly rewarding.
Anatomical Leggings
Been scouring the racks for pants that display your ass as the true anatomical masterpiece it is? Black Milk Clothing's skin-tight anatomical leggings won't just enhance the curves of your posterior, they'll show off...
Gotcha Cap Self Defense Tool
You can watch the video to see the Gotcha Cap in action, or click here to watch a GIF of it showing a punk ass watermelon what's up. Issued by FAB Defense, the Gotcha Cap is a covert self defense tool (and swell hat!)...
Sap Cap - Weaponized Baseball Hat
Unassuming. Low-profile. Comfortable. Able to shatter wrist bones. Just the combination of qualities I've been looking for in a baseball hat. The Sap Cap takes traditional headwear to the covert weapon level with its...
The Cache Belt
Sometimes you need a fishing hook in the middle of Denali. Sometimes you need a bottle opener in the middle of a Monday morning meeting. The Cache Belt can help you out with both lifesavers in both spots. Plus a needle...
/cane-ice-tip-attachment-62312.jpg?mode=crop "Cane Ice Tip Attachment")
Cane Ice Tip Attachment
Winter is coming, and no, we're not talking about the Starks in Westeros. We're talking about real-life winter woes, like icy sidewalks that turn a simple walk into a slippery slope of dangers. Enter the Cane Ice Grip...
/fun-with-anatomical-optical-39428.jpg?mode=crop "Fun with Anatomical Optical Illusions (NSFW)")
Fun with Anatomical Optical Illusions (NSFW)
I've found some choice anatomical optical illusions for your viewing pleasure this evening (or morning with your computer rearview mirror on your monitor at work). Most are just momentary illusions whose true nature is...
/furry-friend-bucket-hat-62206.jpg?mode=crop "Furry Friend Bucket Hat")
Furry Friend Bucket Hat
If the Cookie Monster had a baby with Barkley...or just, like, became a piece of hybrid merch at the hands of a Sesame Street fanatic...this Furry Friend Bucket Hat could easily be the result. Made with an abundance of...
Anatomical Gummi Bears
This anatomical view of what lies beyond the high fructose corn syrup and Yellow Dye No. 5 of their epidermises paints Gummi Bears in a new light. Gives them some identity. Some humanity. Makes me feel kind of bad for...
/aviator-goggle-beanie-with-62139.jpg?mode=crop "Aviator Goggle Beanie with Face Muffler")
Aviator Goggle Beanie with Face Muffler
This Aviator Goggle Beanie and its detachable face muffler are for those who want to stay warm and incognito this winter, but aren't quite ready to commit to the Alien Sleeping Bag. The beanies are made of knitted acrylic...
Cyborg Tattoos
I'm afraid online ordering options for the cyborg flesh treatment have yet to make it to Amazon. In fact, should you want an anatomical anomaly tattoo so whiplash-inducingly realistic and infatuating it gets mistaken...
/lightsaber-willy-warmer-32623.jpg?mode=crop "Lightsaber Willy Warmer")
Lightsaber Willy Warmer
This Lightsaber Willy Warmer might be the finest expression of Grandmas's yarn I ever saw. Not a bad tribute to Star Wars either, presuming you've mastered The Force well enough to wield this saber once it's fired up...
Wearable Sleeping Bag
Sweet, a onesie for temperatures even colder than my parents keep their house. Selk'bag's wearable sleeping bags cater to all outdoor enthusiasts looking to stay warm without the constriction of a traditional rectangular...